Why I say "with love"

It's a partnership.

This weekend I had the pleasure of my own little mini road trip. One of my best friends of 15 years is pregnant with her first child. I drove to east Tennessee to celebrate and honor her as she steps into motherhood. Our friendship has been long-distance for about 11 of those 15 years, so that tells you how strong of a bond we formed in those first four years. It’s a beautiful thing to know we can always pick up where we left off. Some of her family were surprised that I made the three-hour drive for the shower, but I didn’t think twice about it. I’m not saying it was a totally selfless act either. I love a good, long drive every once in a while. It was a great reason to take one. It’s also the only time gas station coffee tastes good.

So there I was, top of the morning, driving along and sipping my sacred cup of truck stop coffee. I dialed in the music to align with the moody weather. It was grey outside, and the air was thick with fog. I couldn’t see farther than a 1/4 mile in any direction.

I-40, Waverly, Holladay, Tennessee River, TN

The evening before I was making sure everything was ready to go since I needed to get up fairly early. I love mornings, but that doesn’t mean I wake up quickly. I’m a hybrid breed of night owl and morning bird. I think I’m a sharper night owl and more of a disheveled morning bird. I rise, fluffed and happy to be awake for that warm cup of coffee and holy morning, but it takes about two hours for my feathers to lay straight and my eyes to come into focus. Knowing this about myself, I decided on what I would wear to the baby shower the night before. “I don’t think I can wear Doc Martens to a baby shower,” I said to myself giggling. I’ve been excited about my new Dr. Martens boots since buying them a couple of months ago. I’ve taken every opportunity to wear them when the occasion is right because they take some time to break in. Maybe some people don’t think they are such a statement shoe, but to me they are. They felt a bit bold for a perfectly southern and sweet baby shower. I’m serious- walking into that house was like a soft, comforting hug that reminded me everything is going to be okay. My black, high-top, laced up, punk soldier boots didn’t really fit the scene.

Some of my free-spirited millennial peers might argue that I should have worn whatever shoes my heart desired. I would tell them they are correct and that my heart wanted to wear a light shoe, more like a ballerina slipper. I knew enough to know that where I was going was a serene place, safe to be soft and let my guard down. The Doc Martens are my take-on-the-world adventure shoe. I think that’s why they make me so happy. I am in my element when I am exploring, discovering, and traversing new territory, whether physically or spiritually. I acknowledge there are times to settle and rest. Some of my most valuable lessons have been related to slowing down and letting myself become still. Nonetheless, I am an explorer at heart. I will never stop seeking in this life. I need some good boots for that.

here they are!

A wise person once advised me not to move on to the next thing (whatever the context may be) based on a fleeing motion. The context at the time was my job. I was considering new opportunities within the organization where I worked. This person was graciously helping me identify a new role that felt like the right fit. He said something like “Don’t say yes to a new opportunity because you are running away from something. Say yes because you are running toward something.” That really challenged me because I was feeling restless and frustrated in my role at the time. His guidance helped me remember the value of being careful with my decision. He continued to validate the fact that I was ready for more while also keeping me grounded to only transition when the timing and stepping stones forward truly felt right. I hope he reads this one day because that golden advice will always stick with me.

“Don’t say yes to a new opportunity because you are running away from something. Say yes because you are running toward something.”

This weekend my mini road trip held great purpose. I was excited about where I was going. I looked forward to seeing my dear friend and her incredible husband and family. The fact that I knew my destination gave me freedom to settle into the journey leading up to it. I love traveling in general. I shared some of my background in my post Meet the writer, including how I grew up moving from place to place in a military family. I am a living example of the cliché “Home is where the heart is.” If anything, I learn more about my home by discovering new places. The flip side of this is that I have also often sought out a new atmosphere as a way to escape my reality. I’ve taken trips I could not afford to get away from a struggle. Spoiler alert: the struggle always follows me, or it is waiting for me when I get back. Experience has revealed that the struggle is, in fact, usually within myself. Thankfully, that was not the case this time. I was zooming down the interstate toward something… someone… a group of people. I was running toward a home full of love and anticipation for the arrival of a beautiful new child in the family.

Inevitably, I was filled up with that love at the shower. I hugged my friend goodbye when it was time to leave. I remained saturated with this love during the whole drive home. I was also buzzing with a certain joy that I finally have the capacity to delight in a tradition such as a baby shower. I went through a phase in my life when I would dread certain occasions and traditions because of the pressure and expectations I projected onto them. I was still selfish in a quest to realize who I was and how to find my place in the world. I became weary of everyone else’s ways of doing things because I hadn’t find my own way yet. I hadn’t yet discovered the underlying current that flows through all of these celebrations, no matter what form they take- a baby shower, wedding, bachelorette party, baptism, holiday party, birthday dinner, church service, etc. These events can start to feel like an obligation if we are not tapping into their underlying current, their deeper meaning… the ultimate reason they exist.

I suppose this topic is timely during the season of many holidays and traditions. The older I get, the more I feel not only the collective joy of this time, but also the collective pain (oh yes, hi, hello, I am an empath). We are all imperfect, living in an imperfect world. We experience loss, destruction, pain, anger, and sorrow as a result of that. The feelings that result from tragic experiences are often intensified during the holidays. I still believe there is a soft place for struggling people to land during this season. Forget the loud antics of advertisement. There are so many distractions that can pull people away from experiencing the sacredness of holy traditions. Personally, I have tried to become more intentional during the season of Advent and Christmas. The birthday of my guru, Jesus, is something I feel called to celebrate each year. The story is magical! I have a best friend who finds the same magic within her Hanukkah traditions. Love and light pulse through these rituals to heal us. They help us remember. They help us hope again. It reminds us there is continual birth and rebirth. Our pain does not have to be for nothing. There is purpose. There is Love. It is all connected.

Today I woke up not knowing how I would finish my Sunday newsletter. Deep down I knew the only way it was going to happen was by partnering with the Divine. I suppose my heart leaned into this sense that some of you don’t know how you are going to make it through another holiday season without your loved one who passed on. Or maybe you wish you could have more time to celebrate, but there are so many demands for your time and attention; it might be difficult to go deeper. Maybe you are numb or jaded about all the traditions and how your family goes about them. All of these feelings are valid and okay to feel. I have been there. I think if there was something I could tell myself during Christmastimes when I was struggling, I would tell her to light a candle and pray by herself… and not because people said to in church or because anybody was watching. I would tell her to kneel at the glowing Christmas tree with a candle alone, after everyone else fell asleep. I would encourage her to lay whatever is on her heart before God. Even if it was dark stuff. Even if it was ugly stuff. With hindsight, I know Love was waiting for me there. I just didn’t always know how to tap into it.

Photo by Rob Wicks on Unsplash

On the drive home from the baby shower yesterday, a song came on that reminded me of the first person I fell in love with in college. To my knowledge, they were not in love with me in return. It’s very interesting because we were never in a romantic relationship. There was never any heartbreak. We became very good friends, and wow, he could make me laugh. That joy turned into a deeper fondness, and I did not listen to the longtime voices telling me to guard my heart. I let my heart fall in love with him. Presently, it is my first time realizing that this love did not break me. In fact, it healed me and helped me evolve. I did not yet fully know and love myself when I loved him. It was a step in the right direction. It gave me a taste of what Love feels like. If I saw this person today, I would give him a big hug and thank him.

Why did I bring up that relationship? Well, maybe it’s because it’s a story that reveals how Love is always trying to find us. We interact with it all the time. We might put different names to it or even resist it. We might start thinking it’s supposed to take shape in a certain way, like how I thought I was supposed to marry my college crush at age 19 (HA!). Maybe all the external noise and distracting shapes of the holidays are making us feel disoriented. Maybe the purpose of my newsletter this week is to tune in our hearts. Love is seeking us. Maybe it is underneath the mainstream. Maybe it is found in the undercurrent. Let us find what is sacred in the meaning of this season. A practical starting place for this could be as simple as an internet search for how certain holidays and traditions started. Find what resonates with you. Find what helps comfort and heal your wounds that throb during this time of year. Or maybe you find what allows you to express the joy you feel in your heart, instead of keeping it suffocated by anxiety.

We can light our literal or figurative candle alone with the Divine now. Maybe full understanding of everything does not come. It doesn’t need to. This can be a time of release. This can be a time of coming home. This frees us to come together in peace to honor everything that is bigger than our finite selves.

with Love, Jeannie