Clear as Mud

So walk in the mud.

I was just listening to a song called In Between Plans by an artist called Your Smith.

I am very much in between plans right now.

My life trajectory is, as the old paradoxical saying goes, clear as mud.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Another expression I’ve heard, which rings very true for me, is: the more I learn, the less I know.

Life is not linear.

Two steps forward, one step back is actually quite normal and, in my opinion, a healthy, steady pace. And really, that’s just an average. Sometimes it’s five great steps forward, then four steps back… or maybe just two steps back- great! Or it could be no apparent steps forward, and that is still forward progress for someone to simply stay consistent for a while.

You see? It’s all relative.

It’s more about flow than mechanic hammering and holding pieces in the same place.

The more I can ebb and flow with the ebb and flow that is life (whether we want it to be that way or not), the more serenity I have.

Have I told you? Serenity is my word of the year. I haven’t always picked a word of the year, but the last couple of years, it’s more like my word chose me, like a repetitive thought… a reminder sitting on my shoulder like an affectionate little bird. I have quickly learned that my word this year is serenity, not because everything is rainbows and butterflies and perfectly serene all the time, but rather because I have the power to keep my serenity, even in the midst of chaotic circumstances.

And no, don’t for a second think I’m just floating mid air in the lotus posture like a zen master while madness swirls around me. I wish! Maybe one day. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that anything is possible. For now? I still have to reset many, many times throughout the day. I still react. I still have intense emotions. I still avoid certain things and people. I still distract myself. I’m still a verified human. : )

Last week, I shared a story of a nerve-wracking situation I found myself in a couple weeks ago. Nerve-wracking is a nice way to put it. I was terrified. I was trekking through the high desert with my friend Duke, and the car got high centered and very stuck on a huge rock. We named it Problem Rock. I told the story of overcoming Problem Rock. We pulled up next to it after the vehicle broke free from its firmly wedged grip. Duke had the perfect pointing that we should thank it. I got out of the car and put my hands on it. I propped my foot on it, and I thanked it. It’s a beautiful memory I will never forget. 45 minutes before that, I would have kicked you in the you-know-what if you told me I would be caressing and thanking that damn rock. Linked here is the full story, if you’d like to read it.

If that’s not life, I don’t know what is.

Navigating struggles. The way is never clear in the moment. And that’s where trusting something invisible comes into play… some power within us and around us. Something bigger than our physical makeup… something infinite.

Following Problem Rock, it was time to take a breather from driving the rough road.

Duke and I found a place to pull off that had a nice overlook of the landscape around us. I brought a yoga mat and blanket with the intention to meditate and move in nature.

It was a victory flow. I was flying on peace and relief. I transmuted fear and panic into love and gratitude for every part of the whole experience. Every point where my eye gaze shifted was a new, stunning reflection of the desert surrounding me. I unlocked a new level of Oneness. Oneness with my Self. Oneness with nature. Oneness with every single person who has walked with me through life. Oneness with every single moment I have lived. I was whole and complete and would not change a single thing because it all made me who I was in that very moment. That continues to be so in each moment that passes, all the way to where I sit now typing this.

I’m reminded of a couple pieces I previously wrote on my Substack, linked below.

Contrast

We live in duality. Light is not light without dark. Victory is not victory without tribulation. Dreams do not come true if there is no dream envisioned. There is no dream that easily achieved. There is no dream that is achieved. Dreams are only realized. They come to our awareness through process. They come to fruition through process. They are unlocked by the keys of our scars.

Scar Tissue

There is no handbook. There is no single formula. There is no arrival. There is no destination. The way is as clear as mud.

Thinking of it like mud is interesting because mud requires two things: water and dirt.

Water in its pure form, is fluid and clear, clarifying, cleansing, and life giving.

Dirt makes the path. It covers up the colors of things. It can get in our eyes if we’re not careful. It disrupts our ideals. Dirt is the earth. Dirt is where we live in the physical world. We sure do give our physical home a bad wrap.

I wonder what it would be like if more people accepted the dirt, working with it instead of resisting it or labeling it a bad thing. It’s as much of a part of the mud as the water is.

The dirt and the water make the mud. Mud can be used to make a pot, or a lotus blossom, or a whole house. What is your proverbial mud that could make your dream come true if you chose to see it that way? The biggest changes in life are not changes in circumstances. They come through our shift in perspective. It always starts within.

I’ll close with a poem I wrote on January 2, 2020.

"The Dirt"

Sitting, stuck, daydream takes me away

I boomerang back to the dark, the numb

over and over

Stepping, I walk, eyes look up

This is harder than a daydream 

The dirt feels good

The daydream lied

I can't do this in my mind 

I need the dirt, I need the hurt

I walk

Photo by Chandler Cruttenden on Unsplash