Why Do We Do This...

... when they do that?

ICYMI (in case you missed it), Seeing Upside Down is currently in a season of taking writing prompts from you. Yes you. I am taking your questions. What’s a repetitive thought you’re having lately? What’s something you continue to be curious about? What feels impossible? What feels possible? What are you grieving? What are you celebrating? Is there something you want to start and don’t know where to start? Today is your lucky day. Here is a starting place: sudwinks@gmail.com. Submit your question. We can co-create the next post. Don’t overthink it. Let’s see what happens.

I am making one update to the process. I will now ask you if you want to be directly addressed with your real first name or an anonymous nickname in the post, if I choose to answer your question publicly. I decided I want to give you that option, like I did with Derek in Dear Jeannie.

Today’s question came into the inbox on 1/18/24 at 7:20am

Dear Jeannie Lynn,

Why do you suppose there are those of us who have at times such overwhelming heart ache over what their loved ones are having to experience in THEIR life’s journey that they struggle to enjoy their own life’s journey? Asking for a friend…<3

Well, friend of a friend, I will answer the first part of your question very simply and directly. There are those of us who have that overwhelming heartache over what our loved ones are having to experience in their life’s journey because we, as living beings, are all ultimately connected on a deep, spiritual, and energetic level, whether we realize it or not. When we love and care for people, we can see pieces of ourselves in them. We love and care, so we want to help. On the other hand, some us might hate and detest, so instead of spending energy helping, we spend energy resisting. Either way, energy is spent. It is uncomfortable to sit with someone who is suffering. When we see them suffer, we filter that through our own perception and understanding of suffering and what that feels like in ourselves. It is natural to want to correct or eliminate the suffering. I’ve often told a loved one that I wish I could take their pain away, but I can’t. I am not them. I am not God.

You didn’t specify what exactly the loved one is experiencing. So, this can go in the other direction too. Seeing a loved one succeed can be equally as difficult. Because we see pieces of ourselves in our loved ones, they often show us what’s possible. If we are not willing to do what it takes to reach our own, full, personal potential, then it’s common to experience jealousy, discomfort or pain when a loved one reaches theirs.

Your friend is right, when this heartache happens, it is difficult to enjoy our own life’s journey.

This question has been in the back of my head for a while, and I didn’t realize until now, that it’s asking: “Why?” It’s not asking: “What do I do when…”

I will continue unpacking why this happens.

It’s easier to look at someone else’s life than it is to look at our own.

It’s easier to brainstorm solutions for someone else’s life than it is to find solutions for our own.

In regards to the suffering of another, it’s common to think we must make one’s suffering go away just because we know about it. That is not the case. There is action in non-action. That is something I do want to unpack.

We don’t see that we are ultimately robbing someone of their most valuable treasure when we try to remove their suffering. Any experience someone is having, whether that is bliss or pain, is an inseparable piece of the whole of their life’s journey.

The greater our capacity is for pain, the greater our capacity will be for joy.

This should be good news for someone who feels burdened with heartache over a loved one’s life experience. The most simple things are often the most true. I have the capacity to listen and even sit with someone else’s experience because it is not my experience. It only becomes uncomfortable when I assume it is mine. It is not mine. It is theirs.

There is the why for the heartache, friend of a friend.

We betray ourselves when we help or resist someone in their life’s experience to the point where we lose the peace or enjoyment of our own life.

If we haven’t done our own inner work, someone else’s complex experience can overwhelm us. The more of our own inner work we do, the more capacity we have to be present with other people, no matter what they’re going through.

With one, specific loved one, I have gone through multiple variations of how I can best support them, based on my own personal state. There was a time when I needed complete space and zero communication with them. I couldn’t support them because they overwhelmed me to the point of my own destruction. As I put my own figurative oxygen mask on first and got better, my capacity grew to open communication with them once again. The healthier I became, the more I could talk with them and listen, really listen, without trying to fix, even when they were screaming through the phone.

Turns out when they felt heard, they started to see solution on their own, quicker than it would be if I threw solution snowballs at their face. When it comes at them, and it’s not their idea, it can just make them feel like they’re doing it wrong again. Then guess what? My own heartache over them was a perpetual cycle for a while because they wouldn’t listen to my snowballs. It’s like throwing wisdom snowballs at their face and asking them to take it all in like a delicious snow cone. Did I ask if they wanted a snow cone? If they wanted one, did I ask what flavor? Did I take the time to deliver the snow with a methodical approach, like a cup? Did I offer support that will practically help them consume the snow, like a spoon? No, I picked up the snow and threw in their face because, in many ways, I had never made a snow cone before, not even for myself.

If I continued in that cycle, my heartache was certain to continue.

I think that’s why this happens, friend of a friend.

With love and a wink,

Jeannie Lynn

Photo by Thomas Park on Unsplash