Learning how to be the tortoise

The fastest way is slowly.

Last week I was levitated, fire-breathing dragon girl. This week I am still her, except I was brought back down to earth. I am back on the quiet ground now. Everything looks the same externally, yet I feel like I am standing in a whole new world. It’s hitting me how internal this transformation really is.

It was what I call a God wink that I ended up reading

Donna Lancaster

’s publication

Deepening into Life

on Thursday. Her words were very affirming to me. The quote below is from her post The Gifts of Mid Life.

It is at this point in our lives, we tend to unravel (aka known as the midlife crisis). Something happens to us - whether it's an illness diagnosis, death of a loved one, a dead-end job, a depression arrives or someone we love leaves; but we can no longer carry on as we did before. This becomes the catalyst for change. The full transition from ego to Spirit led living. It is at this point, if we dare to go inside and grieve, that something truly incredible can be born. A new life. Our own.

The Gifts of Mid Life by Donna Lancaster

Thank you for the way you shared this, Donna. I can see I have been unraveling over the last five years. This year has felt like the rebirth, only after choosing to do the inner work. But let’s be clear- Jeannie’s ego is still alive and WELL. Jeannie’s ego wants things fast. Jeannie’s ego tries to make things happen herself…

“Things are changing! Okay, what else can I DO to keep all this moving along? (*spin, spin* *buzz, buzz*) Let’s keep up the excitement people, move move move. Human? Me? No! I’m an orb of endless energy, and I never get tired! What’s next?! More fire breathing!”

Can you feel the crash coming? I imagine God with a slight grin, shaking the head a bit, as I run around Earth moving pieces that don’t need to be moved.

That’s how I started the week off- scrambling for action I can take beyond my regular responsibilities. Here comes the ego deflation, the admission: I really just wanted to bypass my regular responsibilities. I wanted to play on Substack, write more, disappear into yoga flows, and ultimately daydream about a place where I am not yet. My resistance to the present, daily responsibilities ultimately brought me suffering by Wednesday night.

Just like any suffering, I can sit in it for a while. Yes, I am a proponent of “feel the feels.” I let it bubble up and release. Then I can usually find something the emotions are teaching me.

Magically, the story of the The Tortoise and the Hare came to mind sometime between my hamster wheel race and subsequent malaise. If you’ve even vaguely heard that story, you know the tortoise agrees to a race with the hare and reaches the finish line first. He does this with slow, deliberate, and steady movement. I was thankful Spirit brought this to mind. It reminded me that I don’t want to be like the erratic hare who carelessly hurries, gets distracted, and ultimately makes a mess of their path.

If you are caught up on the newsletters thus far in Seeing Upside Down, you know this is how I think. I see in story. I see in metaphors. I see in paradoxes. Sometimes I see something clearer when I invert it.

How about a Sunday paradox?

The more I rush something, the longer it takes to be realized, if at all.

This week I got caught in the anxious mindset of wishing there was more I could be doing other than what is right in front of me. Nonetheless, I’m giving myself a bit of grace because there have been powerful shifts in my life lately. Of course I am excited.

A couple weeks ago I mentioned that I registered for yoga teacher training. It starts in January. Signing up for that and making this beginning on Substack have given me a huge thrill. These things feel like a big deal. What I must remember, before I fly too high, is that these two decisions have essentially been years in the making.

This is all simply a continuation of personal practices that have been in my daily or weekly routine… over and over and over again.

The only difference now is I have made a commitment with witnesses. I have accountability with my yoga community. I now have accountability with you all around my writing. Growing with others keeps me honest.

I am currently reading Journey Into Power by Baron Baptiste. This book is technically an introduction to the author’s yoga program Baptiste Power Yoga. I realize not all of you are interested in learning about yoga. This connects, I promise. I have found that the concepts I’m learning in the study of yoga also seamlessly apply to everyday life . Below is an excerpt from the book.

It is so common at first to push too hard and fast instead of allowing the body to open at its own pace. It is always best to trust the natural order of things - the progressive development through time. A rose has timing. So do trees, and seasons. Only humans are in a hurry. If you try to open a rose before its time of blossoming, you break off the petals. So, too, if you rush your own unfolding you will cause greater harm than good.

Journey into Power by Baron Baptiste

Let’s connect this back to The Tortoise and the Hare. As a young girl I remember being in awe of the tortoise. I had the same reaction to it as some kids might have to a character with superpowers. At first it was a shock to my brain how the tortoise won after moving so slow. This is the first experience I can remember as a kid when I finished a story and immediately wanted to start it from the beginning again. Then I could go back and study the details more closely to understand. That still happens to this day, especially with certain movies. The movie finishes, and I immediately want to watch it again. I obsess about the details and how they are all interwoven to make the whole.

I always wanted to be like the tortoise- cool, calm, collected, steady, victorious.

I always wanted to know myself like he knew himself. I always wanted to trust myself like he trusted himself. I always wanted to have unshakeable faith in my ability like he did. Now I can see that too often I’ve been focused on the finish line- the outcome of things. That mindset has kept me out of the present moment for too long. Fear overtakes me when my mind keeps thinking about a future that may or may not happen. When I’m in fear, I become the hare in the story. I speed up. I get louder. My breath gets shallow. I lose sight of the path. I miss the mark.

In the final days of my drinking and when I first got sober, it overwhelmed me to think about the rest of my life without alcohol. There have been times when it was unnerving to think about staying married to the same person forever. Sometimes I get scared that I’m waiting too long to try to become pregnant with children. I almost chose not to start yoga… I almost chose not to share my writing on Substack… because… what if I fail? What if it doesn’t last and people judge me? What if it is more than I can handle? I am only able to share all of these fears so openly because now I do not allow them to rule or paralyze me.

Isn’t it funny how we concern ourselves with “forever” as if we have the power to see it or control it?

Thank God I have surrounded myself with people and mentors who gently pull my gaze in a different direction. My community of superheroes have shown me what it looks like to live life to the fullest- away from these lying fears and concerns about “forever.” Living life to the fullest looks like doing the next right thing. It looks like taking the next right step.

Day one is connected to day two is connected to day 100 is connected to day 365 is connected to the ultimate outcome of how all those individual days were spent.

I developed a prayer mantra during the process of writing this piece.

May I know

May I flow

Keep me open

Keep me slow

I will carry this with me as I continue aiming for the path of the tortoise.

Slow and steady, with consistency over time, is how things evolve in the most natural and sustainable way. The hare still exists in all of us to teach us the contrast and reveal our ego. Our ego directs and protects us. It is when it starts to tyrannize us that it becomes a liability. At that point, we either stay in bondage to it, OR we turn to Spirit. We can depend on the Spirit/God/this invisible universal energy to dissolve us when the walls our ego builds become too high. There will always be this ebb and flow. We are human.

Today, I hope this helps you breathe a little deeper. Today, let’s drop the idea of the finish line. Today, let’s take one step forward. This step feels better than the last 10,000 because we take it with peace, intention, and trust.

with love, Jeannie