I feel paralyzed creatively right now. My fingers might as well be 1,000 pounds dragging across the keyboard. I want so badly to move the needle forward on my creative dreams. A certain gravity is holding me frozen in time. It’s probably for the best because I can’t even seem to locate which way is “forward” anyway. That certain gravity is probably me. Am I in my own way again? I wouldn’t go as far as to say this is a full-blown identity crisis. In the spirit of seeing upside down, let’s say it’s an identity boon.
Yes, I’m having an identity boon.
BOON:
a timely benefit : blessing
benefit, favor
especially : one that is given in answer to a request
This is welcomed because I have been asking who I am lately. I have been asking those deep questions because things I dreamed of doing are actually taking shape… and it’s freaking me out.
It feels like the absolute worst time to get cold feet about anything. I have put in so much legwork towards my goals, which honestly has only revealed the legwork I need to continue.
I don’t actually think it’s cold feet I have. I think I’m afraid of this next level of commitment because it’s a level I’ve never experienced before. It’s the commitment that keeps going after the pink cloud of newness dissipates. It’s the commitment that keeps going when nobody else is paying attention. It’s the commitment that keeps going in the dark, when the way isn’t clear. It’s the commitment that decides the way, instead of waiting for the way to appear.
I just finished the book The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson. The main focus of the book is on the power of simple, daily disciplines. If you still enjoy your dreams being a fantasy, I don’t recommend this book. If you’re ready for your dreams to become a reality by breaking them down into practical steps, then I definitely recommend this book. Things get really real really quick, no matter how seemingly “big” or “small” your dream is.
There are tons of these types of books out there, which Olson even lists in the back of this one, and normally they’re not my cup of tea. I didn’t even expect to share about it here in my post this week. Nonetheless, the recommendation and my own decision to read it have proven to be very timely.
Over and over again, especially in the last five years, I have shown myself I have the discipline. I can trust myself. I can do the work. I can succeed. Now, I am met with a new challenge: to stop for a moment.
I’ve received various prompts in different contexts to take one step back to move on, or to take a different viewpoint before going on. Again, this is all very on brand with Seeing Upside Down. Something else I read said: think about doing the opposite of what you believe is the right way to gain results… you may be at crossroads and need to stand back and take a good look at where you’re going before you proceed.
Okay, so why is this an identity boon?
I feel blessed and also completely perplexed to understand that I am capable of doing anything I set my heart, mind, and subconscious to. Now that I comprehend the reality of manifesting, I realize I don’t want to go on just because I can. I want to understand who I am and why I’m doing what I’m doing.
In The Slight Edge, Olson boils everything down to a person’s philosophy. It’s not their words, actions, or resources that are the primary driver of what they are doing. It’s their philosophy.
I currently have positive momentum from a lot of hard work I’ve put in, especially related to relationships, yoga, and writing. Today, I write from a place of unexpected resistance to the momentum. I see emerging discrepancies between my philosophy and the direction of the momentum.
It’s not yet clear to me if my philosophy needs a shift or if I need to recalibrate the course of momentum I’m building. Maybe it’s both.
This all feels very aligned with the season of spring. The winds of change are blowing. I can feel it, but I can’t see it yet. The weather each day is unpredictable. Some days I wake up terrified that I’m going about everything all wrong. I sit up anyway because I keep seeing enough clues that I’m in the right place at the right time. It’s always in the little things, the small moments, subtle certainties.
My husband Dominick texted me on the way home a bit ago and asked: “Food?”
I told him I was good if he wanted to get anything for himself that sounded good.
He just walked in the door and came up the stairs while exclaiming:
“What’s that?! You need a brain break?!”
In he walked with a box of six green Krispy Kreme donuts.
I didn’t know how badly I needed a box of green Krispy Kreme donuts until it happened.
Maybe more is coming that I don’t currently know the importance of. Maybe it’s already here, and I’m about to wake up to it.
Maybe posts like this are the ones I’ll rediscover one day as the treasure I was looking for all along. It’s right here. It’s right now. It’s me. I’m alive. I’m writing. I’m eating a green donut. That’s the gift. That’s the boon.
Take it or leave it.
I will always take a KK donut! I find this a brave post, Jeannie. Whenever I am hesitant about something, I can rarely share that hesitation publicly. Lately I’ve been thinking about the concept of Upper Limit Problem, something Gay Hendricks writes about in his book The Big Leap. Essentially, whenever things are going *too good* we run into our Upper Limit ceilings and deliberately sabotage things in our world. (This can sound a little harsh if things are going poorly for one, but I’ve experienced this kind of self-sabotage a lot.) Hendricks proposes exercises to deal with this human tendency (it’s hit or miss if the exercises resonate with me, truthfully). But it’s been really helpful to consider in my life: “is this resistance a form of sabotage? Or is it just a slow point on the path?” Cheers to the partners bringing food to the writers 👏💞✨
Oh… Dominick… 😂