Flip it on its head.

trying the opposite direction

Someone very dear to me is currently in quite a bit of pain, wandering the darkness, seemingly lost. I have tried to join them there in the dark place. I have tried to listen. I have tried to share my experience. I have tried to fix it. I have tried to take it away. I have tried to create distraction. I have tried to heal this person. I have prayed thousands of prayers. I keep trying to offer more. Maybe there is something I am forgetting. Maybe if I just said this. Maybe if I responded in this way… The search for a solution is starting to feel like going in a circle, and the circle gets tighter.

Multiple people who I trust and respect have helped me discover a different way to navigate the way with this person. That different way is to let go. Yesterday I specifically looked at my desire for control in this situation and its opposite asset: letting go, specifically of the lives of others. If there is “success” or “victory,” etc. that I want for this person, maybe the best thing I can do for that person is reach for that “success” or “victory” in my own life.

“But that’s selfish! How will that help them? I’m just supposed to go on enjoying my life while they suffer?”… Yes. Flip the circular story on its head. Maybe there is more healing energy and tangible power transmitted when I realize this strength in myself and channel it through my own actions, rather than waiting for the other person to catch on.

Over the years, I have let myself become quite literally sick from fear for this dear soul’s life. At the most recent crossroads of a crisis, I took my best shot at letting go. Instead of running toward them with every last ounce of energy I had, I waited. I stayed where my own feet were. I stayed present for what was right in front of me. The fear was still there. The pain was still there, knowing this person who I love so much is in the dark place, and I couldn’t set them free. This is a pain I am feeling currently, as I type these words. I don’t think the tears will ever go away.

The difference these days lies in the ultimate realm I choose, despite all the multitude of emotions and unexpected circumstances. The realm I aim to choose is joy. I even had this tattooed on my wrist a couple years ago: “choose joy.” That was after a time I had wandered the darkness in my own life. Nobody could inject joy into me when I could not feel it. There were steps I myself had to choose to start the journey back to joy. It was something I had to find again for myself. I have to be reminded of that today when I find myself trying to inject joy into someone I love. Maybe it is far better to simply be with them where they are without trying to change it, and if that is not possible, then let them be.

When I find myself with excess energy, restlessness, uncomfortable emotions, etc. I have attempted to do something productive with it. Don’t get me wrong, I still reach for plenty of social media, random outings around town, CBD, ice cream, salty chips, Netflix, caffeine, and so on down the list of convenient distractions. Nonetheless, I have also tried channeling these undesirable feelings into my goals, into things I actually, deep down, want to create and achieve. I am realizing my dreams and goals do not have to wait for all the people and pieces in my life to come together, healed and perfect. Ha! I laugh, but I didn’t realize that’s been my mindset all this time until relatively recently.

Over this weekend, the much desired quiet, free time at home came around and, of course, I didn’t know what to do with myself. It felt like another little fork in the road. I didn’t want to start the spiral into anxiety, and I was also immediately bored thinking about reaching for any of my usual distractions. So I committed to warming up and practicing some yoga poses I’ve been working on. I felt emotionally charged, but I didn’t fight it. I let it flow into my practice. There is a pose I keep working at (forearm stand), and I keep getting frustrated and left feeling like I’m not strong enough. I “set it aside” and decided to focus on other poses that made me feel strong and peaceful. By going that route, I ended up discovering that I am drastically closer to a full on handstand than I realized. After feeling the strength and stability in my straight arms and rounded shoulders, I realized I could fully trust them as a foundation like that. I started doing some “L hops” with my legs going up and my hands on the ground until both my feet started floating in the air! I let my feet come down and squealed out loud with joy and excitement.

Then the strangest thing happened. I also wanted to let out a cry of anguish for my dear loved one who is in the dark place. The duality of joy and pain permeating space together suddenly became clearer than ever. I desperately wanted my loved one to feel the rush of joy I just felt. I wanted them to discover it for themself. All of a sudden it felt more possible… more possible that they truly could. That shift happened in my belief for them, from me going there myself and then dedicating the moment to that person. Again, I am feeling similar emotions as I type this. I never expected to be writing my first full piece on Substack tonight. This happened because I wanted to move differently. I was just bored thinking about shoving my uncomfortable feelings down with Crumbl cookies... again. I wanted to channel them somehow again, and here we are.

Today I can’t help but trust this invisible exchange of energy. Before experiencing the beginning of the hand stand for the first time, I reached my hands and my arms to the ceiling of my bedroom and relaxed my strong shoulders down my back. I wrapped my brain around the fact that a handstand is that exact same stance with my hands on the floor instead of my feet. I chose to believe that I could feel just as strong upside down.

Today I am struggling to let go of someone. Maybe I can start to believe that letting go of them could be just as powerful and helpful as holding them close.

with love, Jeannie

Photo by Persnickety Prints on Unsplash