Family. Fam, ILY.

Thank you.

Speaking of family, hey lil Substack fam. That’s right, I consider you family. You all have taken me under your wing since October when I had no idea what was coming. Thank you.

I’m talking about family today… the village, the support system, the team, the tribe. It’s Sunday morning as I type, 10:30am to be exact, the same day I will publish this post. I had nothing prepared for SUD this week except for a lightbulb idea that flashed last night, which may turn into a future post.

But today? In this moment? I am at the end of myself. I have the weekend off from yoga teacher training. Part of my assigned break work is to teach two yoga classes to at least one other human being with the sequence structure I’ve learned. I taught my first class yesterday morning (Saturday). I had five students- my mother and sister-in-law and three other family friends. It went better than my nervous brain could have ever imagined, granted it took a lot of hard work and preparation.

Back in 2018, my brother and sister-in-law bought a house with a big, separate garage situated directly behind it. They decided to transform that garage into a beautiful studio and community space. They added those vibey garage doors, like the ones you see at restaurants these days. The giant, frosted, glass doors let the natural light in when they’re closed and easily open up if the weather is nice, offering a seamless transition from the indoor room to the spacious nature of the backyard.

The space I just described is where I got to teach my first yoga class. It was an absolute dream come true. I put on the playlist I made, the sun was shining in, and we all flowed together.

One thing I admire about the family I married into is their abundant way of living and sharing. They are so giving of their energy, time, and resources. It’s not, however, anything forced or mustered up, if that makes sense. They don’t hold things over my head or make me feel like I owe them anything. It’s that good ole love that doesn’t keep score. It’s clear they are genuinely enjoying whatever meal, space, or experience they’ve created, and it only adds to their joy to have others join them. They are fun, free, and effortless about sharing. I’ve watched the paradox of abundance coming from generosity happen right before my eyes as I witness the way they live. My own family and other friends I grew up with have demonstrated this in their own personal ways too. It has all gently and lovingly brought my awareness to the way I’ve sometimes carried a mentality of lack in the past, along with that tendency to “keep score.” I am slowly softening and shifting in that area. The more healing comes, the more love can flow through, which comes in the form of shared meals, macaroons, conversations over the phone with long-distance loved ones, and now teaching, if the yoga trajectory continues as is. Activities and people I used to think required so much of me have now become the abundance of my life.

The more I give, the more I get.

Photo by Andriyko Podilnyk on Unsplash

I hold within me a thick, pulsating, all-encompassing gratitude that I have never felt before. This morning I thought I was feeling a great sadness. I felt puzzled because I also felt great peace and joy during the long awaited, quiet Sunday morning. I was not able to pinpoint where this sadness was coming from, if that was in fact what it was. I realized this feeling has been following me all week. First, it came in the form of many vivid flashbacks from the what I call the dark days. Earlier in the week, I had this sarcastic tone in my head: “Of course my past is jumping up to haunt me now that I’m finally reaching my potential, teaching yoga, writing more, sharing with others, etc.”

It all comes together now.

I would not be who I am and where I am today without the beings of Love who have all carried me in multitude of ways throughout my life.

Haha, I just started typing out a list of people, and it kept rapidly expanding as I jumped forward and backward in time trying to think of everyone to thank. I added backwards to the beginning of my list: “my ancestors” because I kept thinking back to who supported the people who have most supported me. The list could go on forever! I suppose that ties to the heart of this post.

We are not meant to do this thing called life alone.

My family of origin, my chosen family, and many other guides took me on various paths that have all now intersected and brought me to my ultimate connection with a Higher Power- the infinitely mysterious source of all this beautiful energy and love. They have all been beautiful channels of that Divine Love, whether they realize the extent of it or not. Thank you God that there does not have to be any separation between Us and You. Thank you that we can be One to the extent that we follow these channels and connections.

Today I am letting myself melt and cry while feeling utterly defeated and completely victorious at the same time. Defeat because I don’t deserve this, and how could I ever give to them even half of what my community has given to me? Victory because they have lived by example, lovingly and patiently allowing me to discover for myself how much I also have to give going forward.

At the risk of my work continuing to be full of annoying clichés, I’ll include another paradox here:

The more I learn, the less I know.

Every time I reach a milestone of sorts, like teaching my first yoga class yesterday, I develop a renewed sense that it’s only the beginning.

Before any more beautiful beginnings begin, I had to stop the train and let myself be in this tearful, snotty puddle of gratitude for the all the people who have illuminated the way for me.

I thought I was hopeless. I thought I was beyond help. I thought the bottle would kill me. Even after I overcame the bottle, I still thought I wasn’t as good as everyone else.

You loved me the same. You held me up. You didn’t sigh with relief and walk away when I ditched the bottle. You kept loving me. You pulled me even closer.

You make me laugh. You give me life. You teach me Love.

You dance with me no matter what hat I’m wearing. You don’t care what I look like. You care that I’m dancing.

Now I realize my roles in life can be light and playful. My suffering isn’t my purpose in life. My job isn’t my purpose in life. My hobby isn’t my purpose in life.

You all planted the seed of a new aspiration within me. You let me water it and watch it grow. It is becoming a garden. What can I do with this garden which was so freely given to me? This is more than I asked for! The answer is obvious isn’t it?

Share it.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

I wrote the poem below back in 2020. I hadn’t thought about it in a while, and here she is, bubbling back to my consciousness.

GARDEN

One flower

 Beautiful you are

  Then separation

   The dark 

    You are moving

     Diffusion 

      Another flower you are 

      There is still soil

     Light, care, life

    You died. It wasn’t the end

   You came back again to find

  More and more

 Who would have ever thought

You are a garden