Embodying the Life & World You Want
Direct effects on our body, born from whatever has our attention
I would like to get back to being more “blog-heavy” with my online presence. It has been more “Instagram-heavy” lately.
I’ve missed my long essay/free-flow writing on Substack. I’ve been in the delicate and slow process of finishing Essence, my first book. She is really on the final stretch now, and everything is lining up for a summer release.
My “shadow” side has been giving me ideas to hand my manuscript off to my publisher, delete all my socials, and disappear for a year while this book goes out into the world.
Historically, I didn’t have enough experience yet to know that it’s not your attention I needed. It’s mine. I kept looking to other people, material things, and accomplishments to know who I am and to understand my place in this world. Even after playing so many roles, really well I might add, I still felt disconnected from people and myself.
There are direct effects on our body, born from whatever has our attention. If we are giving our attention to what doesn’t align with truth in us, the body will eventually become disjointed.
I noticed how it hurt to start dancing the way I wanted to the other day. I caught myself in the mirror as a song I really like came on. I really wish we could watch it back together. I caught eyes with myself in the mirror, as if I was seeing a friend on the dance floor when our favorite song comes on. I started swirling my arms up and rolling my shoulders and hips. I looked back up at my friend in the mirror with a dramatic grimace. The expression, both on my my face and in my body, was: “WTF!?”
I was stiff and really achy. It became crystal clear in a matter seconds that I had not been moving my body enough and that I had been holding a lot, tensing up, and closing off.
From practicing and teaching yoga and continued education trainings, I have learned a lot about somatic healing. Movement is medicine. That day in front of the mirror, I kept dancing, even though it hurt. I treated it like a deep tissue massage. It’s not always comfortable at first. I stuck with it long enough to realize the pain was slowly dissolving. I danced it away, and by the end of the song, I was not so achy. There is no special trick here. You can do this too. I can confidently say, I was 70% more loosened up. By the next day, I was back to my usual hour-long practice of yoga. I recently stepped back from teaching in studios. I’m trying to conserve funds right now, so I’m giving an at-home practice a fair trial. I’ll state that more accurately, now that we all know the truth: I finally started my at-home yoga practice trial this week! It honestly felt so nourishing. Knowing me, I’ll post an Instagram reel about it this week. It will likely turn into wanting to make instructional YouTube yoga videos again.
The dancing moment was a really good reminder to stay aware of what I am absorbing into my my mind, my emotions, my energetic field, and ultimately, my body. They are all connected and inform each other. They are always affected by what we give our energy to, especially what we’d classify as the things that get us bent out of shape. That expression exists for a reason.
A Beautiful Mind is one of my all-time favorite movies. Maybe I should start a blog dedicated to Russell Crowe. Lately, I relate to his character in the movie, John Nash, who has schizophrenia. I don’t relate to having schizophrenia. I do relate to his daily, often hourly, challenge of calibrating his inner world with the external, physical world around him. During the resolution of the movie, after many trials and treatments, he finds more balance in his life while managing his condition.
Even then, he still sees a father and daughter, who are invisible to everyone else. He learned to be neutral and unresponsive to their presence in his peripheral. In one scene, he sees them down the hallway at the university where he teaches. He notices them and chooses not to engage. He carries on saying goodbye to his students leaving class.
In another scene, someone approaches him on campus, a journalist I think, who he has never met before. In a moment of uncertainty, he asks a nearby student: “Can you see him?” pointing to the journalist standing there in front of them. The student raises their eyebrows at him and slowly shifts their eye gaze to the journalist, who is puzzled, patiently waiting. “Yyyeesss” responds the student. John smirks and reassures the journalist that he simply has to be sure with new faces. I always cherish the humor he finds with his schizophrenia in that moment.
Again, I personally don’t see people who are invisible to others. I do, however, wrestle with what I’ll call my shadow.
As human beings, we all have duality in us, period. We all have darkness and light. Neither one of them is meant to be glorified nor banished. Turns out they are supposed to coexist. If you stop and think about it, that’s actually the only possible way for there to be balance anyway. Equal and opposite force. What we’re looking for is neutrality, like John.
If my shadow, or inner world, doesn’t feel included in my life, she becomes in conflict with my light and therefore the world at large. She’ll start taking on a mind of her own. Before I know it, I lose track of her and unknowingly project her whims onto others. She’ll take on different forms and throw me off guard. As a result of a lot of things, mainly toxic societal pressures, I have made countless attempts throughout my life to fix, change, or eliminate my shadow. No wonder she tends to be sensitive and volatile. I had been poking and prodding at her for years.
It’s finally time to be with her.
Lately, my life has been very quiet, and that is very on purpose. I have laid down every last effort I could find that was, in any way, trying to prove myself or force anything to be in my life that didn’t feel natural.
I don’t know how I may seem to you in my video this week (below), but I feel like it reveals that I’m feeling a little disoriented. Honestly, I am, and honestly, it’s okay.
My dreams are coming to fruition and not in ways I could have planned. It has very much been a process of letting go more than making plans.
I am along for the ride in my own life.
My shadow sits comfortably with me because I’ve helped her trust that she belongs and compliments everything so well.
Like magic, she doesn’t make a scene when I give her my attention.
It has very much been a process of letting go more than making plans.
A friend named Brian gave me a little book called The Way to Love, by Anthony De Mello. I met Brian and his wife Margaret at the yoga studio where I was still teaching at the time. He came to my yin classes, and I would often read one of my contemplations at the end of class. He brought in this book to give me one day because he found a lot of parallels between my writing and De Mello’s.
This chapter in The Way to Love rocked me recently.
Love Your Enemies
“But I say to you that hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you.” -Luke 6:27
When you are in love you find yourself looking at everyone with new eyes; you become generous, forgiving, kindhearted, where before you might have been hard and mean. Inevitably people begin reacting to you in the same way and soon you find yourself living in a loving world that you yourself have created. Or think of the time you were in a bad mood, mean, suspicious, even paranoid. The next thing you knew everyone was reacting to you in a negative way and you found yourself living in a hostile world created by your head and your emotions.
How could you go about creating a happy, loving, peaceful world? By learning a simple, beautiful, but painful art called the art of looking. This is how you do it: Every time you find yourself irritated or angry with someone, the one to look at is not that person but yourself. The question to ask is not, “What’s wrong with this person?” but “What does this irritation tell me about myself?” Do this right now. Think of some irritating person you know and say this painful but liberating sentence to yourself. “The cause of my irritation is not in this person but in me.” Having said that, begin the task of finding out how you are causing the irritation. First look into the ery real possibility that the reason why this person’s defects or so-called defects annoy you is that you have them yourself. But you have repressed them and so are projecting them unconsciously into the other. This is almost always true but hardly anyone recognizes it. So search for this person’s defects in your own heart and in your unconscious mind, and your annoyance will turn to gratitude that his or her behavior has led you to self-discovery.
Here is something else worth looking at: Can it be that you are annoyed at what this person says or does because those words and behavior are pointing out something in your life and in yourself that you are refusing to see? Think how irritated people become with the mystic and the prophet who look far from mystical or prophetical when we are challenged by their words or their life.
Another thing is also clear: You become irritated with this person because he/she is not living up to the expectations that have been programmed into you. Maybe you have a right to demand that he or she live up to your programming, as for instance, when he or she is cruel or unjust, but then stop to consider this. If you seek to change this person or to stop this person’s behavior, will you not be more effective if you were not irritated? Irritation will only cloud your perception and make your action less effective. Everyone knows that when a sportsman or a boxer loses his temper, the quality of his play goes down because it become uncoordinated through passion and anger. In most cases, however, you have no right to demand that this person live up to your expectations; someone else in your place would be exposed to this behavior and would experience no annoyance at all. Just contemplate this truth and your irritation will vanish. How foolish of you to deman that someone else live up to standards and norms that [were programmed] into you!
And here is a final truth for you to consider: Given the background, the life experience, and the unawareness of this person, he cannot help behaving the way he does. It has been so well said that to understand all is to forgive all. If you really understood this person you would see him as crippled and not blameworthy, and your irritation would instantly cease. And the next thing you know you will be treating him/her with love, and he/she is responding with love and you find yourself living in a loving world which you have yourself created.
-Anthony De Mello, The Way to Love, Love Your Enemies / Image Books edition, 1995 (Thank you Brian, for giving me this book. I’m sure I will one day pass it along too.)
If I allow my shadow to dominate, she’ll convince me of all the ways I’m not good enough to be forgiven, let alone granted a beautiful life. Want to know what happens after that? I treat other people around me the same way. How I treat others is a reflection of of how I treat myself.
Life is more beautiful and challenging than I ever imagined it could be.
I’m not going to give my power away like I see so many people doing these days. They give all their precious attention and brainpower away to media, society at large, and political figures. They give their emotions away to fear. They give their body away to the forces that make it shrivel up- resentment, anger, isolation, fear.
I am more interested in what and who is actually in front of me. I am more interested in the power of someone’s presence.
Don’t waste my time telling me what you disagree with. I’m spending time with you to know YOU.
What you are for in your life? Can you talk about it without putting down something or someone else? What are you bringing into the world? What are you all about? Tell me about it without comparing it to what you are supposedly against.
The most powerful thing I’ve ever done is take responsibility for my life, including my shortcomings.
Blame game: OUT.
What is happening on a micro scale is happening on a macro scale.
My nutshell version of De Mello’s contemplation?
Spend your time spinning about what’s wrong, and see the toll it takes on your spirit and your body.
Spend your time spinning about what’s right, and “you find yourself living in a loving world which you have yourself created.”
I’m not saying to deny corruption or injustices happening. Society, governments, organizations, leaders all have a shadow, just like you and me.
Everything is relative, and we all have different strengths and weaknesses. We are all connected, and we all have a place.
I’m going to continue spinning together what I think is a light source.
Here are this week’s batch of contemplations I’ve written for Essence, followed by a video message from me to paid subscribers.
The beginning of the book is the final part for me to write before it is finished.
This starts the first chapter of Part 1 called: RECEIVE.
SONDER
Alone at last with the whole world. You have taken your place. It is hand in hand with everybody. You are listening now. Everything will be told in a story that starts at the beginning. Here it is. Here you are. You are catching this wave with precise timing. Let it roll beneath you as you remain right where you are. Do your part by doing nothing. Be where you are on the current that is moving. It moves you until this is the only way you move. It brings exactly what you need, dear seed. See what comes to you without you moving an inch. A flow in your direction begins to form. For once in your life, let it come all the way to you. You were planted here for a reason. All you have to do is whatever feels right. The nature of life is to open and grow as much as it is to close and diminish. Do this according to you, and see how perfectly love surrounds you. Alone at last with the whole world.
DREAM
Consider the possibilities. Your curiosity is so inviting. See what it calls in. Remember your courage. As you nourish your heart with your attention, it will open and grow into something. Dare to accept the life you create. It takes on a distinct pattern of its own. Do less and be more. Ride the wave you create. Allow the next season of life to be born in its own timing. You are ready to be along for the ride. There is a distinct path for you. You will not understand it before it happens. Be shaped by the distinct beauty of mystery. Become that person who has been walking in the landscape of your imagination. Everything is ready when you are. Consider the possibilities.
MESSAGE
This has your name on it. You got the part. You were made for this. Only you know what it is. Nobody else can tell you. You exhausted your list of archetypes. Consider you may be a prototype. A seed is planted where it will break new ground. It already holds its own greatest potential. The only thing to do is follow its nature. Much of the way is still dark. In the presence of the multitudes, dare to be one. Something choosing you wants you to choose it too. Your long standing desire becomes your gift. You have yourself to thank. This has your name on it.
JUICE
Take in to pour out. You will always have exactly what you need. There is plenty to go around. You are unlimited by knowing your limits. Watching others teaches you a lot. Knowing yourself gives you everything. The essence you emit is determined by what you absorb. Let what nourishes you pour in. You are being bombarded with support. God knows how little you can see with your eyes right now. You can trust what you feel in your heart. It knows before your mind can comprehend. Hold your own attention. No need to leave any part of yourself behind. All of you belongs. You will know the next door to walk through when it opens. No more chasing. Let it come to you. Take in to pour out.
COMPASS
What are you following? It’s just you here, like a new seed closely cared for. What or who is watering you? That is what will ultimately hold your trust. Recall what brought you here, including your curiosity. Remember what was, discover what is, and dream of what will be. This is less of an assignment and more of a calming reminder. Dance with the one who brought you to the dance. Let them take you home too. See this through. It wasn’t all for nothing. It’s all for something. What are you following?
SPIN
You’re along for the ride now. The pressure is off, relieving your impulse to push. The process asks for your lightness. There is no need to talk yourself into or out of this. You are safely enclosed within the protection of your own destiny. Trust what is meant to be, even if it takes you in a circle. Allow yourself to be woven into the fabric of everything. You complete the whole by playing your part. There is no script to memorize. It’s already within you. Meet the moment as yourself. If the shoe fits, then put on the other one. Tie up the laces and be ready for anything. You’re along for the ride now.