A window in time

Looking through it from the other side

I used to genuinely wish I could cut off certain parts of my past with a giant pair of scissors. Seeing that desire in hindsight, it reminds me of a scene in the Disney movie Hercules, when Hercules keeps slicing off the heads of the hydra with his sword. The creature’s head keeps growing back, multiplied in number. I included a link there, if you have time for a 4 1/2 minute watch. I know you just started reading, but go ahead if you like. Take your time. There is never any rush here.

When I first got sober, I went about it as if I was trying to learn a set formula for not drinking. I thought I could follow a template, get a good grade, and get back to my life the way it was. That shortsighted mindset landed me on my face wondering how the bottle got back into my hand. Ah yes, nothing like a piping hot bowl of humility to warm you up for the real journey ahead. When I sobered up again and got back on my feet, I hit the ground running hard and fast. Off and away I went, thinking I would never want to look back. I got a pretty good start. I was flying. I finally felt healthy and alive again. I had brand new energy and clarity. The fog lifted. I was willing to do whatever it took. I was free from the bondage of alcohol.

A little over a year in, I started to lose steam from the sprinting start into my new life. I couldn’t stay far enough ahead of the dark memories. I couldn’t keep enough distance from my past. I couldn’t smother it out with drinking. I got creative with other distractions, and they worked for a little while. Those hard things… the shame, the fear, the resentments, the bad memories… still trip me up on my path. I fell on my face a second time. I didn’t spring back up so quickly. I was not interested in racing anymore. I was tired of performing. I had nothing left to prove. It was time to be honest with myself first… before trying to be someone for other people.

With the support of community, a mentor, and the God of my understanding, I finally let myself go deeper inward. I faced those hard things with the shield of self-compassion rather than the sword of judgment. I went through a process of accepting all of who I am, not just the parts I think are “good.” Over time I began to see that the darkest parts of my past could be the greatest assets I have for helping other people who are struggling. I had no idea how incredibly hard on myself I had been for so many years. Slowly but surely, self sabotage transformed into self love. I still swing back and forth some days, which is why it is essential for me to stay connected with Spirit and community.

Self-sufficiency does not work for me anymore. I am still learning how to be one in a community. I remember getting invited to dinner with a group of women sometime in early sobriety. As usual, I tensed up and started thinking of reasons why I couldn’t go. Their inviting eyes weakened my ability to make up an excuse, so I joined them. I’ll never forget it. I remember not feeling that comfortable because I didn’t know everyone like some of them already knew each other. Somehow, someway, I knew that even if I never saw them again, I was supposed to right there in that chair at the restaurant. I knew that I had been isolated for too long. I was happy to feel okay at the table with some new acquaintances, talking about the weather and what we ordered for dinner.

Now fast forward a few years, to a couple weeks ago. I had just finished a yoga class at a studio that is new to me. I am a member of a different studio, but every once in a while I like to venture out and practice somewhere new. After class, I thanked the teacher, chatted with her for a couple minutes, and went on my way. As I was walking through the parking lot to my car, I looked up and froze. Straight across the street, in my direct line of sight, was the restaurant where I ate with those women a few years back. The moment could have been two seconds or five minutes, I can’t remember. The world stopped. I stood there staring at the restaurant, but I was watching myself through the window, sitting at the table with my new friends. I came back to my body in the parking lot of the yoga studio, and gratitude flooded over me. I gave thanks for every single step I have taken since saying yes to that group dinner.

I have new understanding of what people mean when they say never forget where you came from. When I try to erase or run away from my past, it boomerangs back with greater force, like the hydra creature Hercules was trying slay. At that point I am really just fighting myself. There can be no peace until there is acceptance of self. In the final moments of Hercules’ battle with the creature, he doesn’t have his sword anymore- the thing he tried using over and over again to destroy the threat. All he has left is himself and the supernatural strength that comes from within.

Another expression I’ve heard people say in various ways is: in order to gain my new life, I must lose my old one. I have a refreshed understanding of this sentiment now too. There is much sacrifice and grief that goes into starting a new way of life. We come to the end of ourself as it is in the closing season. If we so choose, we surrender to something new in order to continue on our quest to live our best and most true life. Not only that, there eventually comes a time when we get to join and serve the greater collective. What an honor it is to serve others with the gifts that naturally flow out from our true self.

A book I’m reading beautifully illustrates this idea of sacrifice and the collective. The book is called The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali with translation and commentary by Sri Swami Satchidananda.

Sacrifice is the law of life. That is why we admire and adore people who have given their lives for the sake of humanity. Why do we worship Jesus and the cross? Because sacrifice is the meaning of that cross. He sacrificed himself, and we worship that quality; it is not the piece of wood we appreciate, but the sacrifice it represents. He gave his very life for the sake of humanity. It is because of that sacrifice that all the prophets, sages, and saints are worshipped as divine beings or as God. It is not only saints, but everything in nature- trees, birds, animals- they all live for the sake of others. Why does a candle burn and melt away? To give light. Why does an incense stick burn to ash? To give fragrance. Why does a tree grow? To give fruit and flowers. Is there anything, sentient or insentient, in this world that lives for its own sake? No. When the entire nature sacrifices, why should we human beings alone lead selfish lives?

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali -Translation and Commentary by Sri Swami Satchidananda

Thank goodness I never figured out a way to erase my past. I would not be who I am in this moment without every single thing I have experienced. I would have nothing to give if I was perfect and never made any mistakes. All I have to give comes from the dirt from which I rose. I was a little seed, broken open, deep in the dirt. I had to let the break happen and then move through the dark soil toward the light, the source of life. I say goodbye to the seed, but I never stop thanking it for the blossom it helped me become.

Seasons continue changing. That which blossoms will encounter the cold winter again. It is a continuous cycle of breaking, growing, opening, glowing, withering, dying, and becoming the seed again.

I am so grateful for the moment in the parking lot when I saw the restaurant. It was such a gift to look through the window of time and be so grateful that I never let go of her. I never gave up on Jeannie. Even the version of herself before the dinner, before getting sober. The Jeannie who got lost, lied, stole, manipulated, hurt people, lost her job, fell on her face. She got up. She kept moving forward, even if it was two steps forward and five steps back. She keeps me going today. She is helping me write today. She is helping me love today. It is only because I forgive and love her that I can forgive and love others.

May this story bring you Grace if you have struggled with self sabotage or a fight against your own past.

with love, Jeannie